This is one of those nights that most parents never dream of, but heart parents face repeatedly. The night before a procedure with their child to which the outcome is uncertain. How do you explain how many times in the last 3 days I have teared up while thinking of the possibilities? How do you explain that gut wrenching feeling that you get every time you think about the next few days? How do you explain to co-workers who ask if you are ok that-no, in fact, I'm barely hanging on- but I won't let my children see that. Tomorrow, we will hand Addy over to the trusted nurses, anesthesiologists, and cardiologists- and pray that they bring her back just as she is. Some people say, "oh, it's JUST a cath". It's never JUST any procedure. For a child with a single ventricle functioning heart, something can go wrong with the simplest of procedure. Sometimes the heart doesn't like being probed with catheters, and sometimes lungs don't like being ventilated with an endotracheal tube and machine. For Heath and I, we have seen the cath cases that go wrong. Yes, it is less risky than surgery. But there is also less support there and no one "expects" things to go wrong as with surgery. How often we have seen it go not as expected. We have met some wonderful people through mine and Heath's experiences as being heart nurses, and now heart parents. We know that Addy has many guardian angels watching over her, both living and passed.

We were actually semi-prepared for her cath to be next Wednesday. Then on Tuesday, Dr Doyle's nurse informed me that he was going to be out of town, but there was a cancellation this Friday....Whooosh, that's my breath being sucked out of me and my heart skipping its own beats. Of course, we will take the slot, because otherwise it means waiting until after Thanksgiving, and Addy needs this now. Then again today, Mary Beth called me. I really hate seeing the Vanderbilt number and it not being my husband on the other line (calling me while he's Sooo busy at work). She said Dr Doyle's first case tomorrow was sick, so would we like to be there at 6:30 instead of 11? Again, that annoying sick feeling in my chest of my heart pounding...of course, it would actually be better so that Addy isn't a bear by 11 am and being NPO all morning. We do whatever we have to for her, no question about it. But please people, my sanity can not take one more curveball before this procedure! Preparing for a procedure is kind of like preparing for taking a huge test. You've got it all worked out in your head where the other kids need to go, what I need to do that morning, what time we need to leave, when should I be packed by....then someone tells you that you are out of time! Where's the Xanax?

So tomorrow, we will wake our sweet baby girl up from her crib, and put her in the car at 5:30 am. She will not know where she is going or why, but her favorite Bearie Manilow will be there, along with a pacifier as a backup. We will sit and hold her, trying to remember every moment with her, before they take her from my arms. Then wait. Wait for that voice on the other end giving good news, not bad. How many times Heath and I have been the ones that have been on the other end of bad news, it is totally different when you are the recipient. I'll wait for the moment that I'll see her again, safe and sound. I'll give her as many extra kisses and hugs as I can until then.

I will try to update again tomorrow night, as well as my FB page throughout the day. With any luck, Addy will be the trooper she has always been, and we will be resting in a room on 6C 24 hours from now. For now, I pray.