Frazier's Full House Farm and the Adventure of Addy's Heart: Those gut feelings, emotions, and back to school!

There are days when I am overwhelmed by the feelings of my daughter. This is one of them. As some of you know we have had our ups and downs with the Coumadin roller coaster, and those continue. Poor Addy went from having her first UTI and needing 10 days of antibiotics, to then having a horrific diaper yeast rash that proved to be resistent to all topical/over-the-counter medications and required 10 days of an oral antifungal. Enter Coumadin vs. Fluconazole interaction....Mommy knew. I really did. Not only did my educated nurse practitioner brain know that these weren't going to play well together, my mommy gut did. All you mothers out there know what I mean, the gut feeling that you were able to call from a mile away that no one wants to acknowledge. Sometimes I really hate being right.

Soooo, we start on killing this yeast beast, and we checked our INR last Friday....luckily we got it in 1 stick, 2 weeks in a row! INR- 5.4- ok, well we'll hold for a few days and then restart back and recheck in a week. I'm really getting tired of hearing the words "insert instructions for adjustment, and recheck in a week". *sigh* ok, so we happily go on our way killing that yeast and finished it this Tuesday. Technically we were supposed to recheck on Sunday but that won't happen and I work Mon/Tues so Friday it is, because Mommy's gut feeling is also saying that sooner is better than later but hopefully the number is already coming down. I guess about Wednesday the gut feeling really starting getting annoying, as I started noticing that Addy was having little bloody noses, which she has had 4 days now. She has never had a bloody nose spontaneously...ever.

Off we go this morning to our friendly Kid's Express. Gosh I love those girls, but I'm pretty sure they cringe when they see me and Addy coming every week. I mean, their ex-bosses kid coming in for blood draws almost every week- and they have to get a venipuncture on a screaming 3 year old. Haha, bless them, I'm pretty sure they rock-paper-scissors to decide who has to stick her but they are so great to us. No matter how often we come, she always gets as many stickers as she wants, is showered with praise for a job well done, has her own Child Life best friend/play mate, and is rewarded for her traumatic experience with a prize. Unfortunately this week didn't go as easy and it took 4 sticks to get the blood (we have to have EXACTLY 1.9ml for that pesky blue tube). I have started telling Addy when we are going for her blood draw because I think she's getting to the age where she can begin to prepare shortly before and I don't want her ambushed. She does great with the prep stage, but she is over the execution stage. She is getting great at the first stick, but after that it kind of goes downhill.

She tries to be brave for the first stick. Only a few tears and screams until the blood just doesn't come and she begins to lose her patience. How my heart breaks as I hold my sweet screaming child, with tears rolling down her face and her head leaned on me as they have to poke her again. I speak calmly into her ear, "you're such a good girl, you're being so brave", "I know sweet girl, hold still". And she cries back at me "are they done now, take it out?", "no more blood draws?", "did they get the sneaky blood?". And it is unsuccessful. I close my eyes briefly to keep from losing a tiny bit of composure as my heart breaks inside that would let her see anything but calm and loving. So I have to gently tell her that I'm sorry sweet girl but we're going to have to look for that sneaky blood again because that bad ole vein is hiding it. She cries and lays her head on me, I cry inside. She watches TV in between, seemingly all but forgetting about the trauma of just a few minutes before. We repeat the scene again of holding, tears, and a miss- 4 times total. The nurse in me knows this is simply how it must be, but the mother wishes to God that my blood would work instead. I have no anger or frustration for the fellow nurses who have to complete this task. I know that they are all well trained and superb nurses, and how intimidating it must be to have to have to stick the child of 2 PNPs that they have also worked with. They are professionals, they are peers, and they are friends- God bless them.

We do finally get the blood, and there is a celebration. All prior attempts fading into the past as we celebrate finding that sneaky blood and being done with her blood draw! She receives an extra-special prize on account of her upcoming 3 year birthday in 2 days. Pride overwhelms me as I watch my strong daughter bounce back so quickly, her tears drying and sipping her apple juice as we pack up. That annoying gut feeling is present again as I noticed that she was oozing, and kept oozing- she never does that after blood draws. Not feeling so good. So our INR this week? Well, let's just say they aren't joking when they say those 2 meds interact. Her INR is 7.6, (normal therapeutic 2-3, normal person is about 1 or less). *sigh, more internal tears* We will hold it for 3 days this time and recheck in a week. See you soon girls. Guess Addy will be skipping school at the beginning of the week, her teacher is already terrified she is going to get hurt and bleed- I think I'll avoid giving her a panic attack!

I know many people may say that Addy might be a tad bit spoiled with gifts and toys. Anyone who is able to go through what heart parents do in a day, month, or lifetime and not want to indulge their child for what they must endure...well you're stronger than me. After we leave, there are only good vibes, Addy happily announces "we're all done with my blood draw now", unbeknownst to her that we will repeat this next week as well. Guilt.

We go to Party City to shop for her 3rd birthday party which will be tomorrow. On the way there I hear the amazing Christian song by Laura Story "Blessings". This song never fails to remind me that nothing is without a reason and His will be done, not ours.

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

More emotions. Overwhelming gratitude to our Lord that He allows us to have Addy each and every day. Amazement at the strength and resilience of my daughter. Pride at her strength to endure and overcome. Thanks for a short memory and fast forgiveness of a toddler. A twinge of sadness for every tear she cries. Thankfulness that He allows her heart and mind to be easily healed and all is but forgotten while we shop for a birthday we thought would never come. Hope for the future. Understanding that we were given this special challenge for a purpose and He has a plan. LOVE.

Time to get busy. Daddy brought her banana pudding while we ate lunch with him for a job well done with her blood draw, no tears!

Oh to read her mind right now.

Shopping for her party supplies, so much fun. Yes, we bought these!

Ok, so she has a big of sweet tooth but she deserves all the cupcakes she can eat! By this time her boo-boos are the only reminder of the trauma just hours before.

Love this scrunchy face as she saviors her Mike Wazowski cupcake! I could just eat her up, I think she actually looks a little chunky faced in this picture, guess the cupcakes are working!

I realized as I'm writing this that I totally missed the first week obligatory pictures. This was such a big day for Addy because honestly we never thought she would be able to go to school. We chose just a 2 day a week church based program for her. She LOVES IT! She actually napped on 2/4 days so far, and is doing great! It has been a bit of an adjustment for her to get up so early at 6:30 every day to either go to school or take the other kids. We are working on an earlier bed time but there have been a lot of nightly grumpy attitudes. Addy really enjoys sleeping until 8 or 9 am. *sigh*, a girl after my own heart, but I guess we must all conform to life.

Daddy walking her to the car on the first day of school!

All set with her backpack and her Stinky Pinky!

So excited in the car on the way to school!


Getting her painting apron on with her teacher Miss Carrie, forgetting I'm even still there!

This is also a big year for Hunter and Maci because after much discussion we have decided to follow what our faith is telling us and place them in a private Christian school. Our hope is that they will learn values that we find important, most importantly a strong love of God and Jesus, in a school where they can pray openly, praise Jesus, celebrate Christmas, give to others, and be nurtured in a positive and supportive environment. It will require sacrifices, but we believe- "Our needs are met because He is in abundance", and He will provide.